At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
