this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will be naked everywhere
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
