How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
