There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
