I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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