he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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