my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
