Don't make out with my wife yet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
