I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
