I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
