Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
