Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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