Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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