we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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