So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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