I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
