I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
birth control should be required to get into college
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
