Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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