i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
