ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
