i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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