theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
