I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
