just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
