I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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