Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
