Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
