Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
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