thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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