The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I think my moral compass just broke
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