Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
