We're facebook friends in real life
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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