Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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