I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
