I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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