We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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