I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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