oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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