I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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