I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
