Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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