I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
