Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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