miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
