listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
