Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
