Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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