dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
