Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
