I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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