If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
