On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
